Nature: Balm to One's Pain (Yellow House # 3)

What is my Yellow House?  Read here.

September 20, 2000
10:20 AM, Wednesday

            I have six unfinished pastel on felt works.  I start fast but I still get lost in the details.  I can move faster if I render forms in broader flat areas of color.  I want to see small flecks of color.  I want to evade flat areas of color but these can be more expressive.

            Light is very important -- light and pure color.  I must discipline myself.  I need to do more studies.

            Started yesterday with a morning rendition of the city -- left foreground is the side of Golden Pine Hotel and Mount Crest and the Center Mall at lower right.  I continued with this work this morning.  Only 25% through.  Good color. Forms not as solid as I want.  Sun and clouds too evasive.  Need to start more pictures so that I can work simultaneously as Monet did.

            Need to discipline myself and prevent abstractions.  Moving too slow.  Need to work and work.  Need to control my passions so I can develop my eye's union with light and color.  Must inject passion slowly.  Discipline.  Control.  Be sober.

            Need to have Cezanne's exuberant resraint and make him more expressive.  Control Vincent's expression.  Need to show human condition -- his pain and struggles but must also show the beauty of life.

My oil pastel version of Cezanne's "House in Provence" 

            It's strange that despite my disgust for human suffering and vileness I am drawn to nature -- its joys, its excitement.  Is the beauty of God's nature then a balm to one's pain?

            God has seen my anger and my frustration at my own condition and my helplessness.  I wanted to die but whenever I'm determined to complain to God and I've prepared my depressive words of protest, I would look at the sky and everything around -- at a safe distance -- then I would be disarmed and my heart would shout "Look at Your beauty, Oh God!"

            Nature is God's ultimate weapon, if I could call it that, against me.

What is my Yellow House?  Read here.

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